Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Getting stronger, in more ways than one...

It has been a little while since I have written and I have def had my ups and downs. I have been discouraged, I have been on track, I've been motivated, had good days and bad days. It has been kinda tough mentally because the scale has not been moving, it has been up and it has stayed the same and it's very frustrating, especially because I have such a hard time getting away from that number. I have a confession to make, the last 2 weeks I have been weighing myself pretty much every day and just was not happy with what I was seeing. Workouts were good, eating was right on, but that darn number...ugh!!!! This last Friday I stepped on the scale and seeing it a pound above what it had been the week before, I just felt the anxiety creep in! The thoughts of what am I doing wrong, what is wrong with me, I'm such a failure. All that negative thinking. Thankfully I have some great friends who I can reach out to and can help pull meet out of those feelings of despair. The last two weekends I have wanted a cheat meal so bad, and each weekend I haven't been ready. Well guess what this weekend I get a cheatmeal and I am beyond excited! I have had planned what I wanted for the last 3 weeks! I am having Northern Lights Pizza, the Works or something with lots and lots of toppings with breadsticks of course, and Slutty brownies for dessert with this Brownie peanut butter swirl ice cream that I found. This alone would make me look forward to the weekend, but not only that, this weekend has lots of other great things happening. Thursday night my amazing friend Talia is coming all the way from New York State to visit me! I have connected with her in away that I haven't with anyone else. She is my soul sister and understands things like I do. We have had similar struggles and we have connected on such a deep level! I am so excited to finally meet her in person! She even gets to share my cheat meal with me! Friday is also Justin's birthday which I'm excited to celebrate. And Saturday Talia and I are going to attend my first Bodybuilding show! I'm super pumped! Ryan, my trainer, and his store are the main sponsors for this show and I'm excited to go cheer on the other members of FPT!!! Nicole and Angela and whoever else is on our team competing!!! It's going to be a great weekend. So many other things happening this month! Our 3 year wedding anniversary is May 16th. May 19th we drive to Minnesota for the Herbalife STS, Success Training Seminar, which will be a good refresher for me as I haven't been able to go to a training in several months due to my work schedule. The week after that we leave Wednesday nigth for Tennessee to go visit family and will be gone for almost a week. On top of that just started helping teach a free bootcamp out of Thrive which had a great first week turn out and am excited to see where we can take this! Oh, and one last thing, my trainer also is having me add in 2 25 minute Steady State cardio sessions, so this will mean either 2 a days or getting up half an hour earlier than the usual 4:15 alarm. But I'm so excited! Ok, back to this week. On Sunday I went and worked out with my dear teammate Stephanie Binney at her gym and she put me through an intense cardio workout, chains included. Let's just say I don't remember the last time I sweated that much! But it was great and we had a great time!
Monday morning, woke up and was feeling good! Had a great attitude and got to the gym ready to push my limits, and push them I did! Got some awesome PRs! On flat bench I got 3 sets of 5 at 125 lbs, and 1 arm DB rows, I was pulling the 60's! Then today I smashed my personal bests as well, squatting 195 and Deadlifting 175! Love it! I am determined to keep my attitude up! No matter what that scale says, I'm doing my best, and maybe I'm gaining muscle, maybe I'm holding water but that scale is just a stupid box.
Next week it will be a month since meeting with Ryan for a check-in. And honestly, I can't really see any changes in my body looking in the mirror, since last check-in. I'm gonna up my game and show the gym who's boss this week! I'm gonna keep my diet tight and I'm gonna blow myself out of the water! Nervous for those progress pics but who knows, maybe it will show me what I don't see.
I also wanted to mention that I was asked to fill out some interview questions about my struggles with Eating Disorders. This really made me have to think through what was behind a lot of my behaviors and thinking. Very thought provoking. I also compiled a sort of timeline of pictures from before I really started restricting to when I started binging and got to my heaviest, to searching for a balance and finding fitness and making it a part of my lifestyle.
It made my gaining a pound and being so worked up about it seem so petty, so minor. I have been through a lot of struggles in my life. And truly, even as I train and work my butt off to get that stage ready body, I need to remember to stop and reflect at where I once was and how blessed I am to have the health that I do. I also want any of you reading this to know you are not alone in food struggles. The media and the world we live in today poses such high standards on what beauty is and honestly it is impossible to be what they want you to be. No matter what that standard will find flaws. What we truly need to do is be happy with ourselves. That is the only way we can be satisfied. So surround yourself with those that love you for who you are. Work to be the best you can be and be proud of yourself, be happy with yourself. Shine that positive energy around because it is contagious. I do want to thank anyone who reads my blog. It is such an outlet for me, and I should smack myself for going so long without blogging. It helps me get my thoughts together. I learn so much about myself. Thank you for listening to my rantings and my struggles and I hope that in some way I am able to help and encourage even one person through this blog! 

***One last note, I made a promise to myself that I absolutely will not step on the scale except on Mondays and Fridays, unless it's check in day with Ryan. It's just a stupid number. I may need reminded of this from time to time, but I do know this.***

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