Well, It's been a little while since I have written. I have been extremely busy with tax season wrapping up. Work has been crazy but it's finally winding down.
I have to say this week was a tough week. You know how they say when it rains it pours? Well this was true in my case this past week.
Started out Monday when I forgot my work clothes at home causing me to have to rush through my workout in order to go home and get ready for work. I also struggled with my bench that morning at the gym which really frustrated me. Usually I can improve on the week before and Monday I really struggled with my form and was having a hard time getting the same lift as the week before. Ugh, not a good way to start my week. Let me back up to the day before, Easter Sunday. We had gone over to some new friends house and had a great Easter. Met some new friends, they all had an amazing spread, and me, I brought my chicken and green beans along to eat. I was so proud of myself. Not one bite, even when Justin tried to convince me to just have one bite of the carrot cake. I did not give in.
Well we brought some leftovers home for Justin to have and take to work and such. Monday evening I came home and was doing my dishes from the day and I started to get thoughts of , oh why don't you just have a bite of that carrot cake and that green bean casserole. Just one bite. And I thought about it and thought about it and finally my body took on a mind of it's own and I found myself opening up the containers. Just a few bites. oh and had to taste the pickle roll dip that I had made with a couple pita chips.
Thankfully I did not let it lead to a full-on binge, just ended it with a couple bites of each. but even as i was taking those bites, I began to feel the anxiety start to build up. I found that while I hadn't had a full-on binge whatsoever, so mild compared to the damage I could have done, that I went through the same cycle of emotions that I would have had I had a binge. The feelings of anxiety, of panic, of failure, of self-loathing, of shame. I began to sob, feeling like such a failure. I had done so well, sticking to my meal plan since I started with my trainer. How could I do this. I was so much better than this.
I texted Justin something about me being a failure and he called me wondering what the heck I was talking about. Now I haven't really been open with Justin about the mental struggles I go through with food. Him seeing this side of me is very new to him. I have always been so ashamed of the feelings and behavior that I would just withdraw and push those feelings deeper inside, but I am really making an effort to not just hold those feelings inside. The problem is he doesn't understand these feelings whatsoever and just wants to fix them, which he obviously cannot do which causes him frustration, which in turn makes me want to not be open with him about it because of how he reacts. It was just a really tough night emotionally.
Well, Tuesday woke up and went to the gym, had a great lower body power workout and then mid-morning it hit me, nasal-decongestion, sore throat, achiness. Ugh, did not feel good. I ended up getting some medicine and going home after work and taking a nap. Wasn't sure if I would be able to workout the next morning, but woke up and my throat wasn't sore, though I was still congested, so decided since it was cardio and abs day I would still go, I would just be a little easier on the cardio. So I did incline walking instead of the usual HIIT. I was glad I had gone. Anyways, while this is all going on, work is INSANE!
The week before the deadline and so many things had been pushed to the last minute. It was kind of overwhelming and stressful on top of not really feeling good. Friday morning came and I wasn't really guessing because of how the week went that there would be much of a difference in the scale. But seeing the number go up, even though it was just .4 pounds was still tough for me emotionally. Ugh, I hate how that stupid little box has such power over me.
Anyways got through Friday, refeed Saturday, thought I would have to work on Sunday as well. Was so extremely thankful when my boss called me and said to not worry about coming in, that there wasn't that much and that I could get caught up on Monday.
Such a relief. I was able to get my gym time in, my house cleaned, food prepped, laundry done and a nice nap.
This morning when I opened my eyes I about bolted out of bed seeing that it was starting to get light outside. I looked at the clock and could not believe it. 6:35?!?!?!? are you f***ing kidding me?!?!?!?! ugh! I had missed my morning workout. I was thrown off! but you know what? I decided I needed to just go with it. I figured i needed that extra sleep so I could completely get over this cold. And guess what, I went to the gym after work and had a great workout! I can already tell that this week is going to be so much better than last. But guess what, those tough times are the times that really make the strong stand out from the week. I am strong, I do not give up! I will not give up! I am committed to this lifestyle! It is my way of life. It is not something that I will someday arrive at or all of a sudden become. It is part of who I am and what I do.
I'm pretty excited that I check in with my trainer on Thursday. It's been 2 months since I started and I am so ready to see the progress. The scale hasn't changed much, but I know that I have a lot more definition going on. Last week, I had 2 different people at the gym, one of which had never said a word to me before that they could really see a lot of progress! Let me tell you those words were really needed this last week. I tend to be so hard on myself. I have this perfectionist standard for myself. A standard that I will never reach, I can never get there. My personal goal that I want to work on is really sitting back and being proud of myself. Really noticing the progress as it comes and not just the goals of where I want to be. I have worked so hard and there is no reason for me not to be proud of myself.
