Saturday, August 18, 2012

It's Getting Real!!!!

So I've been meaning to write more often as my competition gets closer but I haven't been doing a very good job. Things are coming along. As I posted in my last post, I believe, I decided I needed to stop being so dependent on the scale. Well this week I let go completely of the bondage that the scale had me trapped in. I weighed in for my trainer Monday, and I'm not gonna lie, the scale was calling to me every morning to weigh myself, but I resisted. I made it all the way to Friday when I had to weigh in for my trainer. While I was happy to see that the scale had gone down 1 and a half pounds from last Friday, I have to say because I haven't been weighing myself I have decided to use the mirror and pictures to gauge my progress. And I have to say, what a difference it has made in my outlook. I was being obsessive, weighing in multiple times a day, and what did that do for me? Just make me frustrated and discouraged. By letting go of that obsession I have started looking in the mirror, at my arms, at my shoulders, at my abs (which are finally starting to come in), at my quads, at my hammies, at my back, and I feel like this week I have seen the most visual progress so far. My carbs did drop just a tad and my cardio upped a bit, but it is all gradual and I'm feeling great. Still have good energy level most days. Though at night I do tend to crash, but considering I'm up as early as I am, go to the gym, then work, then gym, by the time I get home, it just makes sense that my body is exhausted.
One thing that I'm extremely proud of is the way my back is coming in. The figure category is all about the lat spread, v-taper and symmetry, and I got the lat spread and the v-taper so that is pretty exciting for me. Have a lot of work to do on the lower body, but I'm told that will happen in the final weeks. So I'll just keep eating on plan and working my butt off at the gym, twice a day most days.

Oh, so I totally just realized that I forgot to mention, I GOT MY SUIT!!!!!! Oh my goodness. I am absolutely in love with it! It is such a beautiful suit, a gorgeous green color, with just enough bling, not too much but just enough for this girl who doesn't do a whole lot of bling... I have to tell you about the day it came.
So I had been watching the tracking number that the gal I bought it from had sent me and on the day it arrived, of course it was raining. So after work I rushed home just wanting to see it in person. I brought it inside and knelt down and took a deep breath. This is it, this is my suit, this is making it real!!!! I slowly slit the tape and the edges with the scissors and opened the box and stopped and just looked at it for a minute. Another deep breath. Took it out of the box and spread it out on the floor. OMG, it's so beautiful, ok Ami, go get your cardio done, you can try it on when you get home. So I went to the gym and got my cardio in, so extremely excited. Afterwards got home and all I could think about was, OMG, what if it doesn't fit, what if it doesn't fit. The girl I bought it from had a stage weight of 105 and I KNOW that there is no way I will even be close to that. The suit felt sacred, I didn't feel worthy to put it on. So I continued with my nightly routine, doing my dishes, preparing my food for the next day, just the usual, all the while going around in my head about whether or not I should try it on...I wanted to but I was scared...
Finally I finished everything and just sat down and looked at my suit and took a deep breath. Ok, I'm just gonna do it. So my heart was pounding, butterflies in my stomach. Deep breaths. Put on the bottoms, wow, butt hanging out. Put on the top, how the heck does this connect? Got it figured out, heart pounding and looked in the mirror....and... I could not stop smiling! Wow! amazing!!!! It is so beautiful! It actually fits me! I'm really doing this! This is going to happen! I'm going to walk across that stage, all I could do was just stare at myself. I took a few pictures so I could show a few people. But wow, what a moment. At that moment I just could not believe how far I have come. Who would have thought 5 years ago that I would be at this point. I know I never would have guessed. What a feeling. That moment was one I will never ever forget. Putting on my first figure suit!
My gorgeous suit!!!

Today was my first posing clinic. My coach has worked with me a little with posing at each check in and I have been taking my heels and practicing at the gym so I feel like I'm getting a pretty good grasp on the judged poses. It was great to meet a few other girls who are going to be competing alongside me. There is just that bond there. We went through poses, transitions, and a little with the T-walk but not a whole lot since that part is no longer judged. So exciting, it's coming and it's getting REAL!!!!
Oh also had my refeed today had some amazing banana "ice cream" post workout. Definitely highly recommend it! All it is is sliced up bananas, frozen and then blended in a blender, I added a little protein powder as I blended it and then stirred in a no pudge brownie and frozen pb2. It was absolute amazing!!!!! My next part of the refeed meal was pumpkin pancakes made with pumpkin, oat flour, egg whites, a little greek yogurt, some pumpkin pie spice and a little stevia and baking powder topped with some Waldon Farms Syrup. Nom nom.

my banana "ice cream"

After the posing clinic came home and put on my new size 3 jeans that I had bought last weekend. I'm just loving this whole process. Contest prep is not easy, but I have to say I love it. I love the challenge, the having to push myself beyond anything i've ever done before! I just LOVE it!
my new jeans!!!!

I have my next check-in with my trainer on Tuesday. So excited to see how much I've progressed in the last 3 weeks. I've been giving it my absolute all and I don't plan on backing down one bit!!!!
7 weeks to go!!!!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

What a Rollercoaster Ride


Oh my. Here lately I have been feeling such a whirlwind of emotions. So many feelings of ups and downs. I have been lonely, I have felt like crying, I have felt like I have been failing, I have fallen, I have felt like I am backtracking, I have felt tired, I have wondered if this is worth it, but I have not given up.

Loneliness has been a huge part of this journey as of late. I don't really have much free time, and what free time I do have I just want to relax, so I haven't had much of a social life whatsoever.

Another thing that I have been doing is spending way to much time on the scale, which has really messed with my head. I have found this to be a huge mind-F*** and I have found that whether or not I realize it I totally subconsciously believe that my progress is dependent on the scale. Which is frustrating when my cycle has been outta whack and been causing me to retain water for the last 2 weeks, ugh.

Yesterday I just felt so down, so miserable, tired, sorry for myself. And today, total oposite, positive,  happy, energetic, ready to take on the world. What a rollercoaster of emotions.

Yesterday after feeling super discouraged with my weigh-in I went and talked to my trainer on my break and he told me to keep going. He said whenever I doubt my progress to look in the mirror, and I think for me relaly that means I need to look at my progress pics, because what I see in the mirror is not reality. When I look in the mirror I see my flaws, I see how far I have to go before I look like one of the pros. But really I need to enjoy this process. If I compare myself know to what I looked like 6 months ago let alone, 5 years ago when I was almost 200 pounds, I have to admit to myself that I have come a long way. That my hard work has not been in vain. I need to look in the mirror, look at my pictures and be proud. Everyone says I'm right on track, everyone says that these last 2 months I will see the most changes. Especially the last few weeks before the show.

I need to stop worrying about being ready and just keep doing my best. Keep my attitude positive, my eyes off the scale and eye on the prize, just doing my personal best. I don't have to be THE best, I just have to be MY best. And you know what, that I promise you. I will be the best I can be! And I am going to be damn proud of myself when I strut my stuff in my sexy heels and gorgeous suit! Just watch me!

Photo: Yours seems blurry??? Here is another copy
This is from 12 weeks out to 9 weeks out.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Nothing Will Stop Me!

goals... I need to re-read this EVERY morning!

Well here I am at just over 10 weeks out and I have to say, I'm exhausted. Since the beginning of last week was officially 12 weeks out I started taking a fat burner under the direction of my trainer and last week my energy was great. Got through my workouts, strength is still increasing, feeling great. However the end of last week I found that I would get home from my second gym session in the evening and my body would be just utterly exhausted. The same goes for this week. I have had awesome workouts Monday and Tuesday and then come home and just CRASH! Yesterday morning, I woke up at 3:30 to go to the bathroom and found that I could not get back to sleep cuz I was so freaking hungry. Needless to say I was utterly exhausted last night and actually was asleep by 10, which is really good for me. However 4:15 rolled around this morning and I got up and at em like usual but holy crap am I worn out! I struggled through my workout this morning and I can tell my body is just worn out, but I pushed through it. Snuck in a 10 minute nap on my 30 min lunch break, which was nice but def not long enough. Back to the gym tonight though for more cardio. Next Thursday are my next progress pics and I'm really excited for them and measurements. I can tell my body is really starting to lean out. Definately have some more definition coming out in my shoulders and arms and my stomach is slowly getting leaner as well as the scale slowly but seemingly consistently going down.
Another thing I noticed with the fat burner is it is helping to manage my hunger. Before starting it, my appetite was seemingly out of control. Being on it, I find while I'm still hungry it's a lot more manageable.

On an exciting note, I have my shoes ordered and on the way and I found the suit I'm going to wear. Purchasing it from a competitor on one of my fitness groups. So I cannot wait to get the whole package! It's going to be so exciting to get the shoes and the suit! It's going to make is so much more real!

Crunch time is here! My diet has been spot on workouts like I said, have been great *besides todays intervals that wore me out, though I still gave it my all* My power exercises I've been continuing to go up in reps and weights in  most of them so that's pretty exciting! I'm really hoping my body keeps responding well, because I really don't want to give up any of my beloved carbs quite yet that I still am allowed. Right now my last meal with slow-digesting carbs is my 10:00 am meal, and oh how I love my sweet potatoes. So body, please please cooperate! I promise to try to get more sleep!

I know these next 10+ weeks are going to fly by! And even when it gets tough and mentally and physically I feel like I cannot keep going, I going to keep going! I know I have it in me and I cannot wait to set foot on that stage!!! 73 days baby!!!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Taking Off My Fat Suit

Well, the time has arrived. True contest prep. On Saturday I will be 12 weeks out and in actual Contest Prep. Crazy! This time really has flown by. I started training back in February and am now 5 months into my training. Today I put my original pictures side by side with my progress pictures from yesterday and I sat back and looked at them, trying to pretend that I wasn't me, but was someone else looking at someone's progress pictures. And I have to say, I am kind of wowed. I DID THAT! I actually feel really proud of myself. All my hard work and dedication, even amongst some diet slip ups, even when I fell into the peanut butter jar, which I have since thrown out and completely taken out of my diet and don't plan on having in the house at all to keep myself from doing this again. 
And I have to tell anyone reading this, that seriously, if I can do this, ANYONE can do this. And no matter how many times you fall, DO NOT GIVE UP! Get yourself up off your butt and keep going!!!
I have definitely gotten discouraged and felt like I wasn't making progress, but i'll tell you, every single day counts, every little step is still one step closer. 
I am definitely not ready for the stage yet, still have a lot of work to do, but I can honestly say I am proud of myself. I have so much more self-confidence than I ever had before. I walk into the room with my head held high, my eyes forward. I have taken off my insecure fat suit and put on my new confident self! 
I am vowing to love the person I am. I have totally become a new person, transformed really. I still have my downfalls, my moments of anxiety and some depression, moments where I do stumble, but I really have become so much a stronger person who will not be walked all over. I am important! I matter. I have learned so much in this transformation so far and I know that I will be a better person for it. 
Can't wait to continue this journey.... 
I really do plan to blog more in these next 12 weeks. I have been slacking. I'm sure I'm going to have some tough moments these coming weeks, energy lacking, tough workouts, hard times with diet, but I WILL do my best, and I WILL keep my eye on the prize.
Alright, side by side pics for those who haven't seen them.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

If I Fall I Will Get Back Up

Photo: I will NEVER give up!!
Those of you who read my last blog know that I had gone through my first binge in months about a week and a half ago. I beat myself up over it a lot. But then I decided that I was not going to let it defeat me. I was going to get up and charge forward with a firmer resolve. And that's just what I did. I decided that I needed to cut out peanut butter and nut butters completely. It was becoming to hard for me to just have 1/2 T with my meals. Plus I found myself using my finger to run it around the inside of the jar and sometimes more than once. That is also what had started my binge a week and a half ago. So in place of the peanut butter I have been using more almonds and avocado and goat cheese here and there as well. I also began weighing out my oats and protein powders and let me tell you, 1/2 cup of oats ain't no 40 grams, more like 60 grams. Wow, what an eyeopener. and the same with protein powders. Really something to keep in mind. You may be overeating different things without even knowing it. I challenge you to try weighing something after measuring it to see how accurately it lines up. You may be surprised. I'm happy to say that since my binge on the 8th my eating has been completely on point, not one ounce or gram off. I enjoyed a delicious refeed last weekend in which I adapted a recipe and made raspberry banana pancakes with waldon farms syrup. Yum! So good and followed that meal with some Spaghetti Squash Spaghetti and corn. I enjoyed it very much. 
Well today was check-in day with my trainer. It has been a month since my last check in and I was pretty excited to see what progress I had made. Last month I had dropped almost 4% body fat as well as gained almost 3 pounds of muscle while only losing 2.5 pounds. Well since that last check in once again I had found the scale up 2 weeks in a row and has finally leveled back out. 
Ryan seemed very happy with my V-taper and he measured me, I weighed in, he tested my body fat and practiced some posing then took pictures. 
I was pretty excited to see the results of the measurements. When I came out from changing and Ryan got them figured them out, I have to say, I was pretty disappointed. My body fat hadn't gone down even a tenth of a percentage. The scale was only down 1.5 pounds from 138.5 to 137.0. My waste measured at an inch bigger than last week? WTF??? Hips were down from 36 and 3/4" to 36 and 1/8". My left thigh was down about 1/2" and my left arm was down about 1/4". I have to say I was feeling pretty frustrated. Like really. I work so hard every single day and this is the only progress I get? Ryan also added an additional session of Cardio. So now my extra SS will be Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings. 
I just felt kinda in a funk. Well today was progress pic day on my Facebook group Team Fit and I was like, ok, well, I guess I see some more definition in my back so I'll post a side by side of my back progress pics. And I started to get comments on the pic. "Your legs look amazing!!! And the rest of you does too!"  "Wow...seeing some changes in your legs! Looking great!" "OH YES, I see changes in the thighs and waist! You're doing it girl" "Thighs look Great...waist, calves, back looks really good and your booty too. GREAT JOB!!"  These are just a few of the comments. So much encouragement from my fit family.  This made me take a look at the pics and realize, you know, this was just 4 weeks. There is definitely progress. I am busting my butt and there is progress, little by little. Changes don't happen overnight and I WILL make it to the stage and I WILL be the best that I can be up there.  Ryan says we will really start cutting at 12 weeks out so I have about 3 and a half weeks left of the muscle building phase. Then I will hopefully really start to show some definition. 
I am very proud of where my lifts are at. Back squats I did 205 this week and deads I'm at 185. Bench I'm 135 but I did do one set of 140. So I do see progress in my strength. 
Well here are the pics. I would love any feedback you all have to give. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Ups and Downs

Well it's been a few weeks since I've written. Every time that I really feel i need to blog it seems like I have no time! Well a lot has happened. 
First I'll start off with our little vacation to Tennessee. I was nervous about it because I knew my schedule would be completely out of whack and out of routine and it worried me. But I really had nothing to worry about. I took everything I needed food-wise that I couldn't buy there along with my food scale. I was completely successful. I measured everything and kept right on plan and even got a cheat meal while I was there. I ended up taking my food to the big family cook-out and passed up all the amazing cookout food that was there. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I also ended up buying a week pass to the Gold's Gym which was great. The equipment was slightly different so a few exercise I had to adapt from my normal routine but I had great workouts and even ended up meeting a girl named April who approached me and said I was strong! We ended up workout out together two of the days I was there and it was a lot of fun! It was a great time catching up with family and some old friends as well. Very relaxing. Got to be in my swimsuit three of the 6 days that we were there so it was great. I came back feeling so proud of myself. It was just an all around great week. 
We ended up leaving about 5 am on Tuesday that week and got home a little after 4. So I unpacked a little and started laundry and yep, headed to the gym to get my workout in.
The next week on Thursday I came home and decided to make an omelet for my dinner, fitting in my macros with egg white, one whole egg and veggies, and was going to put some salsa on it. I had found this black bean salsa with only 1 g of carb per 2 T so I was pretty excited about it. Well I stuck my finger in it to taste it and ended up eating about 3/4 of the jar of salsa. I mean of all things to binge on salsa is nothing, but still, I let myself get out of control and felt guilty about it. Emailed my trainer and let him know, and the next morning at my weigh in I was up, most likely because of the sodium in the salsa. Was frustrated but tried not to get down on myself because it was merely salsa which merely was vegetables and some vinegar and spices.
That weekend was a cookout at my trainer house and I ended up having a burger and lots of chips with several different kinds of homemade dips as well as some dessert, included in the dessert was these super-rich snickers brownies that I had made. Afterwards I had an awful headache and stomachache which I attribute to the sugar.
Woke up the next morning, Sunday, and just felt off, felt very bloated and had a headache. I slept til about 9:30 and finally got up about 11 and fixed my oatmeal for breakfast. After eating just did not feel well, but I figured it would go away. Drove to the gym and sat in the parking lot trying to wish away my stomachache, but it would not go away and I felt like if I worked out I would be sick. So I came home and went back to bed until 2:30. When I woke up I felt much better and ate something and headed to the gym and got my workout in. And felt fine the rest of the day.
Well the week went ok, work was stressful, just kinda off, people were moody, one of the other administrative ladies was gone for a death in the family and the other had to adjust her schedule because of kids being out of school. Friday ended up being a super stressful day, it was crazy and people were cranky and there was so many things that were coming through. Plus I was feeling depressed and just not wanting to be around people. 
Well I was supposed to have a Refeed this weekend, had gotten it all figured out, I was going to make these banana peanut butter pancake post workout and for the next meal was going to have spaghetti squash spaghetti. I was super excited about it. Well Friday went to the store after work so I would have everything I needed for my refeed then came home and just chilled, didn't really do much. Was laying in bed and Justin had fallen asleep and I went to make my casein pudding. Got out the peanut butter to put my 1/2 T in and i ended up swiping my finger along the edge of the jar, then i did it again, and again and again. Then I opened the freezer and grabbed the ice cream that Justin had in there and ate a few bites of that with a little hot fudge and peanut butter, then I reached for some chips and queso, then some cereal that was in the cupboard. During this time I felt the old ED (eating disorder) creeping up behind me, whispering in my ear, justifying this. It's fine. You've done so good, just a little extra peanut butter, and then she took over. And my control was gone. My hands and my mouth had a mind of their own, I hardly tasted the food I ate and I didn't want more but I kept reaching for a bite, right out of the container, as fast as I could almost in a panic. I thought I heard a noise, Justin getting up so I quickly put the cereal in the cupboard, listened, it was nothing, grabbed it back out. Ate some more. I did stop before I felt sick, I didn't let it get that far, but then the feelings of self-loathing and guilt set in. I haven't had a binge in months, besides eating quite a bit of salsa, which really who would call that a binge. And I felt such shame such guilt. Should I email my trainer? Should I let him know? Should I tell anyone? I knew that if I didn't the guilt and shame would eat me up inside. I curled up in a ball and cried, so ashamed, so disappointed in myself and feeling like such a failure. Then I emailed my trainer and told him what I did, knowing full well that my refeed was no longer and so disappointed because of the refeed that I had all planned out that I myself had sabotaged. I then texted some of my wonderful fit sisters and told them what I had done and how I felt and all of them txted me back telling me to shake it off and to let it go. In that moment I made a resolve. First of all I decided I have to cut out nut butters, I had cut them out for a while because I had such issues and then added them back in after a few months without it thinking I had control, but it has gotten harder and harder for me to only have the 1/2 T at a time that my meal plan allows. I also have resolved to weigh everything, not just measure, I have been simply using measuring utensils for my protein powders and oats and a few other things so I decided to take it to the next level. I have reworked my macros. My trainer cut out 5 grams of carbs so this puts me at 160 g protein, 145 g carbs and 38 grams fat. I am going to push myself to the next level in every way possible. I may have had a setback but I will not let it bring me down. Instead I choose to take that setback and use it to push me harder! I WILL take it to the next level. I am now 17 weeks out and true contest prep it coming up quick. My trainer does a 16 week prep so I know that workouts and diet are going to get tighter. There will be no room for slipups. For those of you that know me, know that when I set my mind to something I am committed to it. It is no different with this. I want this so bad! I want to be the best that I can be and I WILL! Let's see what level I can take this to next!
Thank you to all my fit sisters, especially Talia, Ginelle, Chelsea, Ashley and so many more of you wonderful beautiful Fit Women! You inspire me so much and will never know how much your support means to me! I love you all!