Well it's been a few weeks since I've written. Every time that I really feel i need to blog it seems like I have no time! Well a lot has happened.
First I'll start off with our little vacation to Tennessee. I was nervous about it because I knew my schedule would be completely out of whack and out of routine and it worried me. But I really had nothing to worry about. I took everything I needed food-wise that I couldn't buy there along with my food scale. I was completely successful. I measured everything and kept right on plan and even got a cheat meal while I was there. I ended up taking my food to the big family cook-out and passed up all the amazing cookout food that was there. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I also ended up buying a week pass to the Gold's Gym which was great. The equipment was slightly different so a few exercise I had to adapt from my normal routine but I had great workouts and even ended up meeting a girl named April who approached me and said I was strong! We ended up workout out together two of the days I was there and it was a lot of fun! It was a great time catching up with family and some old friends as well. Very relaxing. Got to be in my swimsuit three of the 6 days that we were there so it was great. I came back feeling so proud of myself. It was just an all around great week.
We ended up leaving about 5 am on Tuesday that week and got home a little after 4. So I unpacked a little and started laundry and yep, headed to the gym to get my workout in.
The next week on Thursday I came home and decided to make an omelet for my dinner, fitting in my macros with egg white, one whole egg and veggies, and was going to put some salsa on it. I had found this black bean salsa with only 1 g of carb per 2 T so I was pretty excited about it. Well I stuck my finger in it to taste it and ended up eating about 3/4 of the jar of salsa. I mean of all things to binge on salsa is nothing, but still, I let myself get out of control and felt guilty about it. Emailed my trainer and let him know, and the next morning at my weigh in I was up, most likely because of the sodium in the salsa. Was frustrated but tried not to get down on myself because it was merely salsa which merely was vegetables and some vinegar and spices.
That weekend was a cookout at my trainer house and I ended up having a burger and lots of chips with several different kinds of homemade dips as well as some dessert, included in the dessert was these super-rich snickers brownies that I had made. Afterwards I had an awful headache and stomachache which I attribute to the sugar.
Woke up the next morning, Sunday, and just felt off, felt very bloated and had a headache. I slept til about 9:30 and finally got up about 11 and fixed my oatmeal for breakfast. After eating just did not feel well, but I figured it would go away. Drove to the gym and sat in the parking lot trying to wish away my stomachache, but it would not go away and I felt like if I worked out I would be sick. So I came home and went back to bed until 2:30. When I woke up I felt much better and ate something and headed to the gym and got my workout in. And felt fine the rest of the day.
Well the week went ok, work was stressful, just kinda off, people were moody, one of the other administrative ladies was gone for a death in the family and the other had to adjust her schedule because of kids being out of school. Friday ended up being a super stressful day, it was crazy and people were cranky and there was so many things that were coming through. Plus I was feeling depressed and just not wanting to be around people.
Well I was supposed to have a Refeed this weekend, had gotten it all figured out, I was going to make these banana peanut butter pancake post workout and for the next meal was going to have spaghetti squash spaghetti. I was super excited about it. Well Friday went to the store after work so I would have everything I needed for my refeed then came home and just chilled, didn't really do much. Was laying in bed and Justin had fallen asleep and I went to make my casein pudding. Got out the peanut butter to put my 1/2 T in and i ended up swiping my finger along the edge of the jar, then i did it again, and again and again. Then I opened the freezer and grabbed the ice cream that Justin had in there and ate a few bites of that with a little hot fudge and peanut butter, then I reached for some chips and queso, then some cereal that was in the cupboard. During this time I felt the old ED (eating disorder) creeping up behind me, whispering in my ear, justifying this. It's fine. You've done so good, just a little extra peanut butter, and then she took over. And my control was gone. My hands and my mouth had a mind of their own, I hardly tasted the food I ate and I didn't want more but I kept reaching for a bite, right out of the container, as fast as I could almost in a panic. I thought I heard a noise, Justin getting up so I quickly put the cereal in the cupboard, listened, it was nothing, grabbed it back out. Ate some more. I did stop before I felt sick, I didn't let it get that far, but then the feelings of self-loathing and guilt set in. I haven't had a binge in months, besides eating quite a bit of salsa, which really who would call that a binge. And I felt such shame such guilt. Should I email my trainer? Should I let him know? Should I tell anyone? I knew that if I didn't the guilt and shame would eat me up inside. I curled up in a ball and cried, so ashamed, so disappointed in myself and feeling like such a failure. Then I emailed my trainer and told him what I did, knowing full well that my refeed was no longer and so disappointed because of the refeed that I had all planned out that I myself had sabotaged. I then texted some of my wonderful fit sisters and told them what I had done and how I felt and all of them txted me back telling me to shake it off and to let it go. In that moment I made a resolve. First of all I decided I have to cut out nut butters, I had cut them out for a while because I had such issues and then added them back in after a few months without it thinking I had control, but it has gotten harder and harder for me to only have the 1/2 T at a time that my meal plan allows. I also have resolved to weigh everything, not just measure, I have been simply using measuring utensils for my protein powders and oats and a few other things so I decided to take it to the next level. I have reworked my macros. My trainer cut out 5 grams of carbs so this puts me at 160 g protein, 145 g carbs and 38 grams fat. I am going to push myself to the next level in every way possible. I may have had a setback but I will not let it bring me down. Instead I choose to take that setback and use it to push me harder! I WILL take it to the next level. I am now 17 weeks out and true contest prep it coming up quick. My trainer does a 16 week prep so I know that workouts and diet are going to get tighter. There will be no room for slipups. For those of you that know me, know that when I set my mind to something I am committed to it. It is no different with this. I want this so bad! I want to be the best that I can be and I WILL! Let's see what level I can take this to next!
Thank you to all my fit sisters, especially Talia, Ginelle, Chelsea, Ashley and so many more of you wonderful beautiful Fit Women! You inspire me so much and will never know how much your support means to me! I love you all!