Thursday, January 26, 2012

Mind Games

So right now as part of my training I am bulking. Some people might be like, sweet, that means you can eat whatever you want, not worry about it, just train heavy yadda yadda yadda. It's so much more than that for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the weights. There is nothing I like more than lifting heavy! I love how it makes me feel both physically and mentally. And while I see my strength going up and am seeing my shoulders broaden and my muscle, especially in my upper body increase, I also see a change in my stomach, and I don't like it, my once flat midsection, that had abs peeking through is now getting soft and pudgy. I am constantly feeling self-conscious, even at the gym when I first get there, though soon after i'm lost in my euphoric world of pumping iron. I'm worried that people are going to think, omg, look at Ami, she's gaining weight, she's getting fat, what happened to here, etc.... And I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do. This morning was no exception- Alarm went off, got out of bed, used the restroom, looked in the mirror, ugh, look away. Not liking what I see. Got to the gym, still feeling self conscious, making sure to not wear any tight workout clothes. It was back day today. When I'm in the gym, I'm focused, I don't really make conversation unless someone approaches me. But today, the day, when I just felt gross, was lifting away, lots of pulling motions, Lat pull downs, Cable rows, etc, etc... and on two different occasions, two guys that I had never talked to approached me and complimented me on my lifting heavy, and asked what I was training for. On this day, it was so what I needed to hear. I know that doing this bulking is necessary for me to get to the next level. It's part of the process. It isn't easy for me, and I know none of the training for this competition will be. The cutting will be hard! Harder than anything I've ever done. It's going to mentally push me past anything I have ever done. But it will make me stronger, it will make me a better person! I am committed, I am dedicated, I am strong! And I'm only just beginning!

1 comment:

  1. I am so right there with you in every comment you made in this blog girl!!!!